It's hard to believe that you can miss someone without having such a hard, tangible connection to them. There's no label - no boyfriend, no partner, no promise of a future. Yet here I am, feeling like a small piece of me is missing. I left it in Virginia. When you finally feel like you've met someone who can understand and accept you, it's hard to willingly let them go. You make an effort to keep them in your life, even if just for the simplest of assurances.
I started my trip following a spontaneous decision to book a plane ticket across the country to see an old friend from high school whom I had not seen in nearly 10 years. What started as a simple joking conversation to come out and visit was made real based on a whim and a dream. We slowly counted down the days to our reunion and the anticipation seemed to grow. Finally, the day arrived to fly thousands of miles away to see what would happen. I remember boarding the plane and having every doubt run across my mind. Doubting whether or not I was making the right decision. Most of all, I doubted every instinct in my body that I keep up to protect me from being hurt. If I keep myself guarded and don't let my emotions show, there's less disappointment and less power for others to hurt me. As I worked to shake all of my insecurities, my heart began the rapid pitter patter that comes with the long-awaited anticipation of a "what if" reunion. This person was someone who was such a good friend in high school, but I never allowed anything more to come of it. Instead, I dated guys that were jerks and had to take some time to just grow up. I was just minutes away from walking to baggage claim, where I knew he would be waiting for me. (At 12:30 in the morning, poor soul) and we had laughed about the movie moment that we were going to create at the airport where he picked me up off of my feet and I would finally give him an overdue kiss. I was so worried that I would screw something up or it would be weird once he actually saw me in person again. Much to my surprise, this was not the case. It was a moment straight out of a romantic comedy. As I saw him walking toward me, I couldn't help but smiling and feeling excited. It was just as we had imagined it. He lifted me up off the ground and I wrapped my arms around his neck and we finally got out fairytale kiss. Sometimes I wish I could go back and capture that memory, but I still have the experience. We walked hand in hand to grab the rest of my luggage and I remember just wanting to be close to him and soak up every minute that I would have.
We ended up heading back to the house to get some rest and decided to make plans in the morning. We ended up driving out to Williamsburg to walk around the colonial streets and it was such a beautiful day surrounded by inspiring scenery. Just getting to walk around with someone you admire so deeply is one of the most enjoyable feelings. We talked about our favorite holidays, some traditions, and anything that came to mind with such ease and comfort. After we left, we brought lunch back to the house and spent some time with the roommates and some friends. We ended up watching some tv and falling asleep cuddled on the couch. We eventually woke up and decided to grab some dinner. (We planned on grabbing thai food, but that didn't happen). As we were driving around, he ended up bringing me to one of their empty school campuses so that we could try to recreate our high school homecoming dance. (We never actually got the opportunity to dance together when we went.) He had put on my two favorite songs and just danced with me in the crisp autumn night. He kindly kissed my forehead and held me close and kept me warm. He didn't care that I had no makeup on. I was only wearing leggings and a flannel. I probably looked like a mess. The moment was simply a perfect reminder of what it feels like to be cared for and cherished. It was a moment I truly never wanted to end. Having been enjoying our moment together, we ended up being too late to grab what we wanted and settled on Taco Bell, which I was okay with. We just casually watched some tv and headed to bed. The next day was bittersweet. I woke up knowing it would be my last day there and that within a matter of hours, I would have to say goodbye to someone who had impacted my life so much in just a matter of days. I quickly hurried to get ready for the day and I secretly hoped it would provide a distraction from my uneasy feelings. We decided to go to brunch with his roommates (who are both amazing people as well) and just enjoyed fun conversation and laughable moments. It was a great meal with enjoyable company. We headed back to the house to grab my things. This is where it really set in that I only had a couple hours left with this person that I had grown really close to. I wouldn't get cuddles before bed. I wouldn't get the opportunity to rub his back as he fell asleep. I wouldn't get to hear him tell me I was beautiful and kiss me on my forehead once more. It was all hitting me at once that our physical closeness would be nearing the end. I was lucky enough to have a little bit of time with him touring me around the naval base and explaining every button in the helicopter. Oh how I wish I could have frozen time and just blocked out the rest of the world. The time came that I needed to get to the airport before being late. It was reported there was a crash on the freeway and I secretly hoped I would be late for my plane and have to stay one more night, but I know that was an unrealistic dream. As we were driving to the airport, I remember questioning whether or not I should ask where we stood, but was overcome by nerves and fear of rejection. He had also mentioned that we had not taken any pictures together the entire weekend. (Truth be told, we were both just focusing on enjoying each other's presence instead of capturing the moments). He had casually mentioned that he didn't want anything serious until after deployment and I had taken this to be my answer and started to accept the rejection and disappointment.
When we arrived at the airport, he asked if I just wanted him o drop me off or to go inside. Against my usual position of independence and alone time, I asked if he would join me inside. He thoughtfully carried my bags for me and walked me all the way to security. I remember deciding I had to get one picture of us together, no matter how awful I looked at that moment. We took two photos right by the security checkpoint and didn't pay any attention to the people going on about their lives around us. I felt like my heart had just simply stopped. I let him know that uncertainty was uncomfortable for me, but that I would go with it (trying to show I could be understanding). He expressed that he had been hurt in the past and I couldn't blame him for where he was coming from, but I still planned to show him I could prove to be different. He's someone that was worth waiting for and showing that he's worth it. He held me close to him and kissed my forehead and I resisted the temptation to just let the tears flow freely. I wanted to be strong and put on a brave, confident face. As we finally parted ways after many stolen kisses, I remember looking back in fondness and yet still wishing time could stand still. As soon as I started placing my things on the security belt, I could no longer hold back the tears and feelings that I was keeping inside. I already missed being close to him. I longed for one more hug. one more kiss. one more reassuring whisper. I felt so alone in that moment. It was one of the hardest goodbyes I have ever experienced.
Looking back now, it seems silly that I was so upset saying goodbye after only two days, but I guess that's what happens when you feel such a strong emotional connection to someone. It has been a little over a week now since I arrived home and I still miss being close to him, but we've continued to text daily and we FaceTime every evening. (If there's a day that we don't get to talk to each other face-to-face, it definitely seems to ruin my night). He's still so reassuring and constantly reminds me of what an amazing person he is to have in my life. Whether we are on the phone talking about a tv show or a bad day that we've had, I appreciate every minute of it. I was overjoyed when I found out that he was getting leave to come see his family out here and I will be seeing him in just 8 short weeks. I'm already trying to plan some time to steal him away from his family briefly to spend some time reconnecting with him again.
Sometimes it's really difficult to put your feelings on the line and put your whole self out there, especially after you've been hurt. I was married at a young age and had incompatible dreams and desires for my life and was left dealing with divorce as a solution. I find that I'm falling for someone else who has been hurt and has conflicting feelings and I know that it may be an added challenge to gain trust and reciprocation, but I'm finally willing to do it. I know that this could result in utter heartbreak and disappointment, but it's a risk I'm wholeheartedly willing to take. I would regret walking away and not putting everything I have into the possibility of becoming something more. So until then, I will simply enjoy every minute we spend in each other's company, whether it be together or through text messages and letters. I'll enjoy our growing friendship and comfortable conversation. It's better to appreciate someone for being in your life than to let them slip away without any effort.
I started my trip following a spontaneous decision to book a plane ticket across the country to see an old friend from high school whom I had not seen in nearly 10 years. What started as a simple joking conversation to come out and visit was made real based on a whim and a dream. We slowly counted down the days to our reunion and the anticipation seemed to grow. Finally, the day arrived to fly thousands of miles away to see what would happen. I remember boarding the plane and having every doubt run across my mind. Doubting whether or not I was making the right decision. Most of all, I doubted every instinct in my body that I keep up to protect me from being hurt. If I keep myself guarded and don't let my emotions show, there's less disappointment and less power for others to hurt me. As I worked to shake all of my insecurities, my heart began the rapid pitter patter that comes with the long-awaited anticipation of a "what if" reunion. This person was someone who was such a good friend in high school, but I never allowed anything more to come of it. Instead, I dated guys that were jerks and had to take some time to just grow up. I was just minutes away from walking to baggage claim, where I knew he would be waiting for me. (At 12:30 in the morning, poor soul) and we had laughed about the movie moment that we were going to create at the airport where he picked me up off of my feet and I would finally give him an overdue kiss. I was so worried that I would screw something up or it would be weird once he actually saw me in person again. Much to my surprise, this was not the case. It was a moment straight out of a romantic comedy. As I saw him walking toward me, I couldn't help but smiling and feeling excited. It was just as we had imagined it. He lifted me up off the ground and I wrapped my arms around his neck and we finally got out fairytale kiss. Sometimes I wish I could go back and capture that memory, but I still have the experience. We walked hand in hand to grab the rest of my luggage and I remember just wanting to be close to him and soak up every minute that I would have.
We ended up heading back to the house to get some rest and decided to make plans in the morning. We ended up driving out to Williamsburg to walk around the colonial streets and it was such a beautiful day surrounded by inspiring scenery. Just getting to walk around with someone you admire so deeply is one of the most enjoyable feelings. We talked about our favorite holidays, some traditions, and anything that came to mind with such ease and comfort. After we left, we brought lunch back to the house and spent some time with the roommates and some friends. We ended up watching some tv and falling asleep cuddled on the couch. We eventually woke up and decided to grab some dinner. (We planned on grabbing thai food, but that didn't happen). As we were driving around, he ended up bringing me to one of their empty school campuses so that we could try to recreate our high school homecoming dance. (We never actually got the opportunity to dance together when we went.) He had put on my two favorite songs and just danced with me in the crisp autumn night. He kindly kissed my forehead and held me close and kept me warm. He didn't care that I had no makeup on. I was only wearing leggings and a flannel. I probably looked like a mess. The moment was simply a perfect reminder of what it feels like to be cared for and cherished. It was a moment I truly never wanted to end. Having been enjoying our moment together, we ended up being too late to grab what we wanted and settled on Taco Bell, which I was okay with. We just casually watched some tv and headed to bed. The next day was bittersweet. I woke up knowing it would be my last day there and that within a matter of hours, I would have to say goodbye to someone who had impacted my life so much in just a matter of days. I quickly hurried to get ready for the day and I secretly hoped it would provide a distraction from my uneasy feelings. We decided to go to brunch with his roommates (who are both amazing people as well) and just enjoyed fun conversation and laughable moments. It was a great meal with enjoyable company. We headed back to the house to grab my things. This is where it really set in that I only had a couple hours left with this person that I had grown really close to. I wouldn't get cuddles before bed. I wouldn't get the opportunity to rub his back as he fell asleep. I wouldn't get to hear him tell me I was beautiful and kiss me on my forehead once more. It was all hitting me at once that our physical closeness would be nearing the end. I was lucky enough to have a little bit of time with him touring me around the naval base and explaining every button in the helicopter. Oh how I wish I could have frozen time and just blocked out the rest of the world. The time came that I needed to get to the airport before being late. It was reported there was a crash on the freeway and I secretly hoped I would be late for my plane and have to stay one more night, but I know that was an unrealistic dream. As we were driving to the airport, I remember questioning whether or not I should ask where we stood, but was overcome by nerves and fear of rejection. He had also mentioned that we had not taken any pictures together the entire weekend. (Truth be told, we were both just focusing on enjoying each other's presence instead of capturing the moments). He had casually mentioned that he didn't want anything serious until after deployment and I had taken this to be my answer and started to accept the rejection and disappointment.
When we arrived at the airport, he asked if I just wanted him o drop me off or to go inside. Against my usual position of independence and alone time, I asked if he would join me inside. He thoughtfully carried my bags for me and walked me all the way to security. I remember deciding I had to get one picture of us together, no matter how awful I looked at that moment. We took two photos right by the security checkpoint and didn't pay any attention to the people going on about their lives around us. I felt like my heart had just simply stopped. I let him know that uncertainty was uncomfortable for me, but that I would go with it (trying to show I could be understanding). He expressed that he had been hurt in the past and I couldn't blame him for where he was coming from, but I still planned to show him I could prove to be different. He's someone that was worth waiting for and showing that he's worth it. He held me close to him and kissed my forehead and I resisted the temptation to just let the tears flow freely. I wanted to be strong and put on a brave, confident face. As we finally parted ways after many stolen kisses, I remember looking back in fondness and yet still wishing time could stand still. As soon as I started placing my things on the security belt, I could no longer hold back the tears and feelings that I was keeping inside. I already missed being close to him. I longed for one more hug. one more kiss. one more reassuring whisper. I felt so alone in that moment. It was one of the hardest goodbyes I have ever experienced.
Looking back now, it seems silly that I was so upset saying goodbye after only two days, but I guess that's what happens when you feel such a strong emotional connection to someone. It has been a little over a week now since I arrived home and I still miss being close to him, but we've continued to text daily and we FaceTime every evening. (If there's a day that we don't get to talk to each other face-to-face, it definitely seems to ruin my night). He's still so reassuring and constantly reminds me of what an amazing person he is to have in my life. Whether we are on the phone talking about a tv show or a bad day that we've had, I appreciate every minute of it. I was overjoyed when I found out that he was getting leave to come see his family out here and I will be seeing him in just 8 short weeks. I'm already trying to plan some time to steal him away from his family briefly to spend some time reconnecting with him again.
Sometimes it's really difficult to put your feelings on the line and put your whole self out there, especially after you've been hurt. I was married at a young age and had incompatible dreams and desires for my life and was left dealing with divorce as a solution. I find that I'm falling for someone else who has been hurt and has conflicting feelings and I know that it may be an added challenge to gain trust and reciprocation, but I'm finally willing to do it. I know that this could result in utter heartbreak and disappointment, but it's a risk I'm wholeheartedly willing to take. I would regret walking away and not putting everything I have into the possibility of becoming something more. So until then, I will simply enjoy every minute we spend in each other's company, whether it be together or through text messages and letters. I'll enjoy our growing friendship and comfortable conversation. It's better to appreciate someone for being in your life than to let them slip away without any effort.